For many years I hated myself for my drinking. Growing up, I witnessed my mum and sister slowly destroying themselves with heroin. I did not want to repeat their mistakes, and I did not want to inflict that pain onto my daughter. But I did. At least, a part of me was convinced that I did inflict that pain on my daughter. I was so full of self-loathing for the perceived harm I was doing her, I could not see the harm I was doing myself, nor the reasons why I was inflicting such damage on myself.
I had suffered from the loss of my mum to addiction and a young age, I had been subject to abuse and I had been emotionally neglected. These were at the root of my turning to alcohol to blot out the pain.
Yet, despite the things I lived through, I also managed to get an education, to raise my daughter as an independent-minded and intelligent young woman, and I managed to keep a career going. I am done now with the self-recrimination, the self-pity and psychological self-abuse. I lived with a victim mentality for many years, the alcohol abuse came from that. In more recent years, since I gave up the booze, I have begun to see myself as no longer a victim, but a survivor. I am now ready to begin the process of living a life of meaning, and to thrive.